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May 17th, 2017

Nervous habits

I have a little fidget cube, a gift from my elder daughter. She knows that I have anxiety, and although she does not (I think, I hope) have a real understanding of it, she is a kind soul and twice she has seen a Thing that purports to be helpful and gotten it for me. (The other is a metal worry stone, so smooth!)

I haven't used it much. But yesterday I realized that this is something I do anyway. (Sometimes I can be a little slow on the uptake.) I am always, always tracing out simple designs with my fingers. Very subtly, I barely move my hands and I think even if you knew what to look for you would be hard-pressed to see it. It looks small but it feels big. Figure-eights, esses and cees and ees and zees, hearts, loops, teardrops, simple daisy-like flowers. Sometimes just with one hand, sometimes with both, the tiny movements mirroring each other. If my hands are not occupied, chances are I am doing this. Not even aware of it, just doing it.

So last night, we were watching the Sanders-Kasich debate on CNN (which was mostly the two of them agreeing with each other, if it weren't in town-hall format they would have been standing behind the same podium :)), and I took out the fidget cube and had it in my hand, just to see what would happen. What happened was that I used it constantly, click-click-click, click-click-click, in the same sorts of rhythms I do the finger-tracing in. (FYI I only really use the joystick-button side of the thing.)

The problem with it, for me, is having to hold onto it. I can do the thing with my fingers at any time. I always have my hands on hand. :)



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